minute by minute, hour by hour...

With the new changes to mine and Tayli's life, it has made me see things a little more for what they really are. I miss having someone to come home to and to share my life with. I don't like feeling so alone all the time, and even when I have tayli with me there are still moments that hit me in the day and I literally feel as though I have been punched in the chest. I can't picture a future anymore and I know that's just the depression trying to enter into the picture, and as hard as I try it still finds its way into my day even during the happy moments. With my left hand finger empty I still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and as hard as I try to hide it from tayli I know she knows that my heart is breaking. I went from having someone to talk to everyday to now being completely ignored like I don't exist. How can a life be shared for numerous years and then within hours it all changes...I hate making this public and I try to keep my emotions inside but I want to remember this and how painful it is, how every minute has the potential of breaking you down so much that you can't imagine all the pieces being able to be put back together. I want to remember so if there comes a time again in my life that another man feels that he can fill the monstrous size shoes that I expect to be filled, that I will know with all my heart he will not put me through this again. I don't think I could possibly be put back together twice... once will be hard enough and the gaps left in between will be so noticeable I don't think another person could deal with them...

Our new life....

This blog is the blog that will begin Tayli and I's story. It is missing one person, and for their sake I hope they are truly happier. Tayli and I can't wait {mostly me} to keep up this journal/blog of our life and our family. It is a smaller family, but just as strong if not stronger than others. This week, a new change has come into our life and I feel that it will be for the best, Tayli for both of our best interests, I am trying to make myself a better person and more of a parent than I have ever had to be. I am trying so hard to be responsible and take care of you and I the best that I can. I have no clue as to what the future holds, but I know it can only get BETTER!! We only have one place to go, and that is UP! I can gaurantee that these next few months are going to be rough, but if we stick together we will make it out alive {and hopefully happier than we have ever been} I love you buggy, and you are my best friend. {yes, you are only two right now, but you are more than I could ever ask for} Everytime I say my heart hurts, you run over and give me your best hug!! Thanks bug for loving me, imperfections and all!

9/11 and what it means...

A letter to Remember

Tayli, I want to write a letter to you that you may know my thoughts, feelings, and information that I have about a day in History that means a lot to me. I was not there at the Twin Towers in New York, I was not there at the Pentagon in Washington, and I thank the Lord I was not on one of those plans that you will read about in the future. I was on the school bus headed toward Richmond Utah to my 8th grade school North Cache. I had not heard about what had happened yet and there was very little talk about what was going on. Some people had mentioned a plane crash in New York but that was the extent that I knew. For some reason two times of the morning had always stuck in my head, 8:45 a.m. and 9:15 a.m. I have no idea why those are there and am not 100% positive what I was doing at those times. It must have been when I had first heard about the seriousness of what was happening and possibly the 9:15 was when I first saw it on T.V. Something interesting to me that has stuck with me is that I almost always have a feeling of the Lord's presence with me, and for most of the day while I sat in the school and watched with the rest of the world I knew he was with me to comfort me. But for some reason once I was home, I remember feeling like he was gone, and I felt okay with that and thought to myself that it was okay. He needed to be with so many others. These are my two memories of that day. Of course I remember what I saw that day, and I will always remember where I was and how I felt, but for some reason, the two times in the day, and feeling alone in the world were two things that stick out to me. Today it is the ten year anniversary and it still brings tears to my eyes. I have no idea why it has struck me with such impact even though my only experience with it was watching it on a television. But it has, it made me have a pride in my heart about my country and the people who protect it. I am so shamed to think that I never gave them a second thought, and being so young I defiantly took my my freedom for granted. I know that my pride for this country and the armed forces has come from that day. And that reason is probably the one and most important thing that I took from that day, and why it means so much to me. Tayli you will grow up in a world where that day is in your history books, and your children's books. And I will be so proud to tell you all about it, and why it means so much to me. I promise to you that we will always watch the 9/11 specials on T.V. so that we can always remember how lucky we are to have what we do. The freedom to be whoever you want to be. I am also thankful that for the time that the U.S finally captured the man in charge of the of the horrendous act. It was close to ten years before they finally caught Osama Bin Laden and made him responsible for his actions. I am thankful that the people who passed during those attacks, finally got some justice and I can only imagine what had happened in the after-life when he arrived to meet the face of those lives he took.

Tayli today is the ten year anniversary of that day, and I want you to know my thoughts and feelings and how much pride I have in this amazing country!! I hope that one day you will have as much pride in it as I do.

Tayli Day to Day

Tayli has been having so much fun this summer!! I thought I would share some pictures of what we have been up too when we aren't boating, going to the fair, family parties, and fun trips!

This first picture is of the Bell costume Tayli got from the Travel Agent when we booked our Disneyland Vacation. It is for her princess lunch and also her Halloween costumes since we will be at the Halloween party at Disneyland this year!! I decided to try and make it special so she didn't look like every other Bell there. So here is the before and after!